1/22/07 -- Imp tried poetry...thoughts all welcome
--
Words on a summer-night I
really don't recall; you see,
dusk was coming quickly and
Autumn whispered palls.
Pallid days sans sunlit stays
leaf-limned and fading down -
still you spoke of summertide,
limber-lit words for scorning mine,
of dusk or time or youthful age -
you spoke seldom of the dusk.
Words on a winter-night I
can't but now recall; cherie,
your voice's cracking faintly and
Autumn's long since gone.
Ashen days in snow-struck greys,
ice-rimmed and fogged by cloud -
still you'll talk of summertide,
mistaking words of sun-hazed lies,
of dusk divorced from fading age -
for you the time's not past.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I read what was in Dreamy's entry and liked it. Tell us when this gets published!
[A bit 'off-topic' on the poem...]
Fighting the urge to cheer / tackle / gasp.
But it was such a lovely poem - you had to take it down from the site? I remember reading in the last Writers' Digest (maybe not the last, the one before?) that any writing published to an ezine is considered electronically published, any writing posted in a blog is gray territory, and any writing posted in a writing workshop or writing community forum is technically not considered published (and thus there are no worries to be had over conflicting rights and thus no reason to take it down from the site, da? ^_~)
Hah, and I bet you thought you had cured me of run-ons, you and your mentions of the rambling Dostoyevsky...
Thanks very much for the response, Fabien. And no, you didn't trail off the path; you've picked up - and repeated quite succinctly - a main theme, if not the main point, of the poem. ^_^
Again, thank you. Perhaps I'll end writing more poetry - I loved writing this. I hope I can return the favour of critique before long as well, despite my lack of experience in the poetry forums. ^_^
IMP
Very lovely, very vivid, very soothing.
Your lines are filled with words that blossomed into beautiful images.
Your piece put me in a very tranquil borderline dream like state.
But not falling asleep out of boredom, let me assure you!
Are you comparing life in four parts in comparison to the seasons?
We start in Spring, that is our childhood, then summer - our youth, autumn which is middle age, then winter, our old age and death? Or did I just trail off the path and get lost in the woods somewhere?
You've managed to transport me through summer, autumn, and winter in just twenty lines, now that's amazing.
I know your more of a story writer, but will you try writing anymore poetry?
Because I think there will be quite a few people interested if you do.
Truth, love, freedom & liberation.
- Fabien
The Imp must have posted this while I was away, I didn't get the chance to look at it before. ^_~ So here I am, pressed for time but glad to comment. You've got lovely rhyme scheme and rhythm throughout, especially for what seems to be a hesitant attempt at poetry. Your language is also so crisp and clear, Imp, and it's a real pleasure to read.
Some suggestions, though, here:
Words on a summer-night I
really don't recall; you see,
dusk was coming quickly and
Autumn whispered palls.
Pallid days sans sunlit stays
leaf-limned and fading down -
still you spoke of summertide,
limber-lit words for scorning mine,
of dusk or time or youthful age -
you spoke seldom of the dusk.
[In the first line it should be merely 'summer night', I think, sans the hyphen, as I get the impression that summer is the adjective modifying night. Also, something to look at - in the last line of this stanza, the beat seems a bit off. It might work better as merely "you spoke seldom of dusk". Pros suggests word inversion on that line: "you seldom spoke of the dusk". Whichever or neither, it's up to you. They're light suggestions. ^_~
I very much like the transition from 'palls' to 'pallid' between the fourth and fifth lines and the first and last sentences. The imagery is flawless here - you have got a knack, I think. ^_^]
And in the second stanza:
Words on a winter-night I
can't but now recall; cherie,
your voice's cracking faintly and
Autumn's long since gone.
Ashen days in snow-struck greys,
ice-rimmed and fogged by cloud -
still you'll talk of summertide,
mistaking words of sun-hazed lies,
of dusk divorced from fading age -
for you the time's not past.
[Same not here as the above, on the 'winter-night' - but now that I see you've done it twice (and opened with it twice), I'm beginning to think it's more intentional than error. In which case I think you should leave it as it is - just so long as you noted it, I wasn't sure that you did. ^_~ In the third line, 'voices' doesn't seem to fit - I assume you were contracting 'voice is', and if so, I would leave it without the apostophe. I think it might read a bit better. Also, if you chose to do that, you might want to consider moving the 'and' of the line to the next one, making it "your voice is cracking faintly / and Autumn's long since gone".
(One more thing: in the last line, was 'not past' meant to be 'not passed', or was it meant to stay as it is, a direct space in time?)
The feminine 'cherie' is eye-catching because it's unique and unexpected, which are nice attirbutes in a poem. Overall, Imp, I loved it. It was very clear and it flowed beautifully - I'll repeat lovely. I already told you that you had a way with words. ^_~ It was a great read. (Reminded me vaguely of Emily Dickenson...)]
--
Edited and Tagged: (Critted for the CCF)
Niteowl -- Pardon me for having forgotten to thank you. I'm rather fond of the wording; but I'll take into account its obscurity as well. ^_~
Gambler -- Thanks, on all counts. This is the first bit of poetic thought I've finished, and the first I haven't structured traditionally. You may very well be right that I'd be more fluid, or at least more comfortable in the structured.
Thanks both of you.
IMP
Overall, I thought this was really good. However, I didn't like the first stanza as much, namely because I had to look up some of the words. I also didn't like the use of "palls" and "pallid" so close together, but I don't know if you can change that without disrupting the flow. Other than that, it was lovely. Good job!
This is really nice - you've handled blank verse rather well. The way you write, though, suggests that you might do better at slightly more formal types of poetry - try fixed rhyming schemes or a definite rhythm and I think you'll fare much better. Not that this isn't good, of course.
Thanks Clau, for a thoughtful comment despite your inclination to more rhyme-centric poetry. ^_^
Oy, but grey is perfectly correct. Unless you're an American trapped in the less lovely spelling and long 'a'. ^_~
Yes, they ought to be em-dashes. Thanks for the tip on how to insert them.
And...anymore? I suppose that means whether I intend to write more poetry? I don't know.
IMP
It was good. Of course, I would have to reread it a few times to get what was actually being said, because the phrases used were so long. But thats never bad, my brain is just slow
You certainly jump over bad, moderate, and good for a try at poetry; but anyone who knows they are supposed to make rhythm usually know how to do it too
I loved the use of days and grays. (unless you are speaking of a The Greys, a family
I have one last suggestion, and I'm not even sure its a grammarically correct one? It just seems proper to me.
All the dashs you use (or are they hyphens!?) should be EM dashs (and if I'm calling them the wrong thing, Paronez moi!) because - is too short for what you are using it, — I believe is the proper dash to use. And just in case you don't know (and you most likely do?) hit ALT+ 0151 to make a —
It was an enjoyable read
Thanks Wiggy - sharp suggestion on the rhythm...'and' and 'voice's' - you've got a point. ^_^
Sans - the French for 'without' - though I thought it was used commonly enough in English. I suppose not too commonly then. ^_^'
Thanks so much, Jig. ...I suppose I can't but say thanks.
IMP
Wow. Go Impy! This was fantastic, truly, just great with a lovely rhythm. Although you'll forgive me for being slow and not really understanding what the hell was happening due to the overwhelming visuals. Still, no implied criticism there, I wouldnt have you change it. Its very good.
Brava.
Loved it, loved it, LOVED it!!!!! It was so rhythmic and mysterious and beautiful all at once! Great job!
What does sans mean? I've never heard that word before!
I think that "voice's" would be better (at least flow better) as "voice is," and I think you should move "and" down to the next line so there's that rhythmic flow you kept throughout the rest of the piece. I'll probably have to come back and read this a few days later in order to fully digest the meaning of it. Fantastic job, Imp!